Thursday, November 19, 2009

Day 12 Nov 19...Am I well???

Okay, so I think I should clarify some things for you. I have had a number of people concerned that my health is in question and that this is why I am doing this. Not really the case. For those of you that have known me most of my life, you have seen me struggle with my weight for years. Up, down, up, down....UP...for some of you that have known me only in the past couple years, you only know me as heavy....BUT, in my mind, I am not a heavy person. I do not like being this heavy person and I will never be comfortable in my own skin this way. I think like a thinner healthy person but I am not, I am an obese healthy person (if there is such a thing?) For the most part, we eat pretty healthy in my house and out of my house. If you ask my kids, they would (or should) be able to tell you what the good fats are and where to find them, they will be able to tell you what antioxidants are, what they do and where to find them...they may even tell you the benefits of eating a whole apple instead of apple juice and the effects it could have on your blood sugar? And, if they can't answer all those questions (I assumed all this time they were paying attention?) then they will know who they can ask...
Anyway, long story short (oops, too late) I have found my mental well being not so well of late. I don't like to go out and have people see me. I imagine them thinking "oh my God, have you seen the size of Marj?", I always see myself as the largest person in the room. I fear I will break a chair, or not fit into the rides at the parks, I get on an airplane and wonder what the person sitting next to me is thinking as I pray to God that the seat belt fits!! I see pictures of me and I cringe...I look in the mirror and moan...I put myself down and it bothers my children a great deal. In fact, it sometimes makes them angry...For as many compliments as I get, I say "thank you" but I don't believe one of them. Also, I am an advocate for Diabetes and its management, research and education and I sure feel like a hypocrite when I talk to people about it...I wonder how they can take me seriously??
So, for all those reasons above, I am on my Journey to Wellness...I don't like looking this way but more importantly, I don't like THINKING this way...I am a thin, active, healthy person stuck for now in this very heavy body...I am working on getting out if it...I really do owe it my life! I feel better when I think I look better.


As a post script, the only thing physically wrong with me right now is arthritis (and being active and thinner helps) and whatever is going on with my mouth but that too could be related to the, all in all, I am good and I want to run/walk the half marathon that I signed up for in Ottawa in May 2010!! (with Team D)

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